My own relationship with drinking begins four summers ago. I had just turned 18 and my best friend’s family took us on a week-long vacation to an all-inclusive resort in the Caribbean. Impossibly white beaches, pristine kidney-shaped pools, and free strawberry daiquiris? My kind of holiday. I had never been drunk before that trip, but the minute I stood up after my third daiquiri I felt strangely light-headed. My 33-year-old male companion walked me back and had to open my room for me when I couldn’t quite make the key enter the lock. I eventually had my first – and only – “older man” sexual adventure with that very same man…but that’s a story for a different post (long story short, I found out that age does NOT preclude skill in the bedroom).
While my fling with an older man was brief, my relationship with booze was just beginning. I entered college with the new-found confidence that only a shot of cheap vodka can give a girl. I recall on the first weekend of college, Harlequin brought me to her room and showed me her stockpile of Coronas and vodka-filled water bottles. We dipped into her stash, only to get busted by campus safety. It was the first and last time we had access to such classy drinks during our freshman year of college.
Alcohol abuse becomes a lifestyle in college. For those too young to easily procure alcohol, every encounter is precious – better to binge now, lining your arteries with a slick layer of liquor, because you never know when you’ll get another chance. Once booze becomes readily available, interest wanes for a brief period – been there, done that. But get your hands on a fake ID or celebrate your 21st birthday and watch the thirst return full-force. Bars are on an entirely different level from keg parties. Not only are the drinks better (no more Keystone, please!) but the men are older and more than willing to buy a pretty young coed a shot of tequila.
By no stretch of the imagination am I am alcoholic. I rarely black out and I’ve never thrown up from consuming too much alcohol. I have, however, encountered hangovers that stretch into the lazy hours of Saturday afternoons. I have been wasted enough to fight with boyfriends, flirt with the wrong men, and – hitting a personal all-time low – break my elbow attempting to jump over a couch.
They tell you in high school that alcohol is a downer, a depressant. I never understood that. Alcohol makes me happy; it’s the tastiest of social lubricants. As someone prone to anxiety and depression, alcohol has become a helpful buffer between me and the rest of the world on many an occasion. I realized quickly, however, that alcohol is, in fact, a downer…the effects of which you don’t always feel until the next morning. The anxiety I experience during the throes of a hangover is crippling. I analyze every detail of every minute of the night before – it is times like these I wish I actually did black out, because then my mind would be a comforting blank slate.
In a week and a half, I will be 21. While I’ve been sneaking into bars for months now, this will be a defining moment in my friendship with alcohol. Once I’m legal, the responsibility of self-restraint and self-control lies firmly in my own hands. I’d like to think that I will handle this new-found privilege with moderation and maturity. It is far too easy to forget, while you’re downing an Amstel Light, that excessive drinking causes liver problems and other health risks. At the time, it just seems like another drink, another night. At some point, we have to address whether we drink to escape or enhance our lives. I hope I fall in the latter category, but only time can tell.
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Want to read one woman’s harrowing memoir of her alcohol abuse? I just finished Koren Zailckas’s Smashed and highly recommend it. Not only does she give us an unflinchingly honest account of her binge drinking, but she has quite a flair for writing. I found it to be a great read – and she’s a feminist to boot! Check out her book here, or her website here.
I’ve added Smashed to the Rotten Reading List!
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What is your relationship with alcohol?
- Dollface
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